Or so I hope!

The last year has been a complete reshuffling of my life. Looking back on it, it is as if, following my mental upgrade in Amsterdam, my all inside imploded and spilled on the outside. So little by little my surrounding started to align with what was going on inside… and we moved.

Fast forward to 18 month past Amsterdam where I projected myself into Commuknitting and now have a new upgraded version of it. It is called the C.U.N.T Club, as C U Next Tuesday. Commuknitting was about reconnecting with each other via the creative process, here people are already creative and do a lot of thinking, so all we need its to meet once a week and open up. Ideally I want the C.U.N.T Club to be a place where people dare to share their knowledge and experience and feel safe to expose their insecurities. The more we give of ourselves as C.U.N.T, the more we give permission for others to be bigger C.U.N.Ts.

I have been learning so many things lately, just by meeting amazing people. I realised that I couldn’t or even shouldn’t have tried to change people of Wandsworth, they have chosen a complete different path than mine and the best thing I could do was removing myself from their path. I am so glad Ibogaine showed me that just on my way out.

Now the other thing I learned before I left is that my next step was to be about will power, which I SO completely failed! This is the one thing lacking in my life, but I totally see why it is lacking, because you need a minimum of will power to have a go at building will power, and I have none, whatsoever! So where do I start. As a desperate attempt I have decided to stop all stimulants that give me instant results but who utlimately get in the way of willpower. I have fallen so far behind since discovering I had to work on it, it is quite ironic. But I don’t think it could have happen any other way. The last year was about falling into place, to morph even more into who is going on inside. It involved a lot of letting go, a lot of boundaries issues were raised. And today, a day before giving up cheating and giving a serious go at will power I feel the environement is ideal at last. I have removed most of the weeds, by introducing other weeds. I turned the earth around and suffered major ressurfacing issues which I did not want to face. I digged a hole so I can officially be a C.U.N.T and now as I can’t get any further down, I plant my seed, full of hope, that at last I can ground myself. I believe I am not designed to be grounded, so it will be a mastertask for me to stay put long enough to grow and produced new seeds. The last 3 seeds I produced are growing beautifully, thanks to the beautiful Gardener I’ve chosen but I now need to step into the real world and give him a hand to grow an even more beautiful garden.

Luckily now I have a bunch of C.U.N.Ts to help me do so…