Last night as a result of taking ibogaine (born-again according to word process spelling correction of the word), my 2 hemispheres engaged in the most diplomatic debate ever. Every single one of my issues have been either debated, challenged or even been shone to me in the most chocking way. The left brain versus the right brain, the spiritual versus the rational, the mind Vs body, masculine Vs feminine, everything got rebalanced, just so I could today land on the middle path once again and with the knowledge that if I follow everything that have been shown, life is about to get even better. To be honest I am pretty damn please with my life, smug lioness that I am, but I had a feeling it could get better. It always can. for everyone, even for the smuggest of smuggest lioness! whether with more or less smugness in the balance is each to there own, all you know is that it will turn out just right. Bang in the middle. That’s when you drop the smug issue and move to the next!

I rediscovered the difference between knowing and Knowing, but I won’t forget it this time!

Having turned 40 I feel growing up as been a tough experience all together, every little step can have such drastic consequences, Ilan is here to remind us of it; but last night, it was like my soul had sat me down and had a very direct blast at me, showing me every single imperfection I only see in others. I saw them, analysed them, understood them and now I Know.

And that my friends is the best 40th birthday present a woman can ever wish for… from myself to myself: Merci Beaucoup:-)

There are 2 ways to approach life, our way or everyone else’s way. One way or another, we are here to learn lessons, some lessons, it is just the way it is offered to us which will differ.  When we follow our way, those lesson’s are offered in a playful way, like in an interactive game. If we chose the other way, or the other’s ways, then the lesson can’t be dealt with, because it ain’t our way! So instead, we stress out on how to sort out the lesson/problem, because it is probably someone’s way to look at it and to resolve it!

And oh my God it is easy to walk off track.  My personal dilemma  Do  I go along with that spiritual path who keeps calling me back for more or my rational mind reminding me that I leave in a very physical world, surrounded by very physical beings, who need me here, very much here at all time. So how do I council the 2 without denying one or the other and risking going off track. I have to walk the path of the middle, like a funanbule. What a challenge, and what a choice. You walk that fine middle path and your life’s lessons will feel playful and enriching or you step out and you get the tougher version, so tough sometimes that we feel lost, tired or overwhelmed.

I feel I have lost myself somewhere along the way, a long time ago. I have disconnected somehow. I look at my life and it is better than anything I could ever have imagined, but there is still something missing; like the ability to just enjoy it, in the most simple way. I am very much after that, but not just for myself, for everyone. I feel we are all somehow disconnected. But who am I to think that way of other people’s life. Why am I so obsessed by making everyone happy. I feel so fucking blessed already, why can’t I just relax and enjoy? Why do I feel I have to take dangerous drugs to explore and look further, to understand more, to give more happiness to people? Is that an excuse, is everyone else’s happiness is a reflect of my own lack? Probably. But the problem is then why do I always need more happiness, for myself or for others? I am convinced we can always push ourselves further, accomplish ourselves even more, when maybe I should just learn to enjoy what I have. I live surrounded by people that seem to be so blessed by everything they have, maybe I should learn from them. I have tried to learn from them. I have lived among such people for 10 years now and they are everything I am not. Maybe everything I aspire to be SO grounded, so sure of themselves, so comfortable that they never need to move, so contented. I aspire to contentment. This is why I am going off track tonight, in the search for contentment. Is contentment is just a matter of reconnecting. I look forward to find out? 

Even if from what I gather I am not likely to find anything I go searching for… but much more!