I was all cocky last time thinking I had mastered motherhood, unfortunately I had a relapse! I can’t quite explain what happened to me, so I blamed the moon. I had the kind of anger I get while on PMT, only 10 times worst. I tried to control myself, I could see myself being horrible, but I just couldn’t. I would have been horrible to myself instead if I hadn’t let it out. I just wanted to be left alone, but with 3 kids and staff running around, getting ready for a busy night at work, it was impossible. So instead I stopped coffee, I had no alcohol  but still I could have ripped every single child to pieces and not just mine or not just children.

Ideal to reaffirm who’s the boss in the business, but not so good if you are trying to raise mentally balanced children. I tried to warn them: “stay away from me, I am in a monster mood!”, but of course the more I tried to push them away, the more they came back for more, bringing with it floods of emotions, tears, anger, fight. Very hectic couple of days. But the hardest part was not knowing where it came from. No periods to come, 5 days from Glastonbury, being quite on track with paperwork for once, really I had no reason to be upset. I had even been, a few days before, in a very good place. I could start grasping the concept of an open heart everyone talks about in the spiritual jargon. You know, think with your heart, not your head, keep your heart open and all that stuff, which quite frankly you don’t get unless one day… the penny drops while sitting in nature or while having cheese-bread-and-wine, the French take on Holy Trinity. At least now I know the place and state I am aiming for, but holy crap, if opening the heart is in fact opening a valve so all the crap stuck in the belly can resurface, I am not sure I want to go there!

OK, I have no choice, I am going to have to deal with it, all that bottled anger that my “high as a kite”-self can’t deal with. It is dark, it is low, below low even, it is “yerky” and unbearable for everyone. Especially for my eldest. I can see that anger in her and when I am in that state, it is like her all persona is sending me that reflection of a despicable me. It is all the crap I dumped on her being send back to me, as a little reminder that all is not dealt with. GRRRR, it is like a never ending story, a fucking roller-coaster of which you can’t come off. I can’t believe I dared to think, we were sorted; and now I realised that I’ve only just cleared the land and prepared the ground so now we can start building the foundations. I am exhausted just thinking about it, but somehow relieve at the though that  I know a bit better where I am standing now. That’s awareness, right. So a bit more awareness with a teaser of open heart, that has to be a good sign that I’m on track and with Glastonbury coming on as a practice ground, I am feeling all joyful again. Bring it on!