I was all cocky last time thinking I had mastered motherhood, unfortunately I had a relapse! I can’t quite explain what happened to me, so I blamed the moon. I had the kind of anger I get while on PMT, only 10 times worst. I tried to control myself, I could see myself being horrible, but I just couldn’t. I would have been horrible to myself instead if I hadn’t let it out. I just wanted to be left alone, but with 3 kids and staff running around, getting ready for a busy night at work, it was impossible. So instead I stopped coffee, I had no alcohol  but still I could have ripped every single child to pieces and not just mine or not just children.

Ideal to reaffirm who’s the boss in the business, but not so good if you are trying to raise mentally balanced children. I tried to warn them: “stay away from me, I am in a monster mood!”, but of course the more I tried to push them away, the more they came back for more, bringing with it floods of emotions, tears, anger, fight. Very hectic couple of days. But the hardest part was not knowing where it came from. No periods to come, 5 days from Glastonbury, being quite on track with paperwork for once, really I had no reason to be upset. I had even been, a few days before, in a very good place. I could start grasping the concept of an open heart everyone talks about in the spiritual jargon. You know, think with your heart, not your head, keep your heart open and all that stuff, which quite frankly you don’t get unless one day… the penny drops while sitting in nature or while having cheese-bread-and-wine, the French take on Holy Trinity. At least now I know the place and state I am aiming for, but holy crap, if opening the heart is in fact opening a valve so all the crap stuck in the belly can resurface, I am not sure I want to go there!

OK, I have no choice, I am going to have to deal with it, all that bottled anger that my “high as a kite”-self can’t deal with. It is dark, it is low, below low even, it is “yerky” and unbearable for everyone. Especially for my eldest. I can see that anger in her and when I am in that state, it is like her all persona is sending me that reflection of a despicable me. It is all the crap I dumped on her being send back to me, as a little reminder that all is not dealt with. GRRRR, it is like a never ending story, a fucking roller-coaster of which you can’t come off. I can’t believe I dared to think, we were sorted; and now I realised that I’ve only just cleared the land and prepared the ground so now we can start building the foundations. I am exhausted just thinking about it, but somehow relieve at the though that  I know a bit better where I am standing now. That’s awareness, right. So a bit more awareness with a teaser of open heart, that has to be a good sign that I’m on track and with Glastonbury coming on as a practice ground, I am feeling all joyful again. Bring it on!

Oh and on the subject of motherhood since that’s what this is to be all about… Well I am doing fantastic, I am even enjoying motherhood, not 24/7 of course, but enough not to need to reflect about it in that blog. But I do enjoy writing in that space so it is lucky I’ve found a new topic. And I love the fact that as I just posted about that new topic, daughter number 1, comes next to me and asks me if she can go singing to the people in the street. This is obviously something I haven’t projected on her yet. And my initial reaction was a massive NO coming out from every pores of my skin. But since I just wrote about it, I thought fuck it, let it go, she is not me, I am not her… let her explore what she wants even if it makes her happy. I will stay squirming in my corner, it is my issue after all and not hers, and I musn’t forget, she’s already took me a long way out of my unconfort zone. And plus I am a sucker for syncronicty, so it must be right, right?

How funny that last night, trying to leave a comment to my Amsterdamer Guru, it made me log into this forgotten blog. And how weird that the last post I wrote was about about my slow paced path… when my conclusion to reading about his life was that he took the highway. I went to another of those meeting, in London this time.

Nowhere near as fabulous than the first one, because I felt the subject wasn’t for me, and I was ill, but still it bought me a massive realisation, it is that I do not like to be exposed. So then I wondered, do I need to be exposed? And still I am exposed, massively exposed for someone who likes a low profile. This blog is a typical exemple of my controversy, it’s online, I talk about it, but I’ve only given the key to Pablo and I know he wouldn’t read it. Still yesterday finding it back was the best thing that could have happened, because if it had been on paper like a lot of it is, it would be into a box and never read again by now. So it’s like me, visible and invisible in the same time.

Isn’t it weird that as years are taking their tools on me and I am slowly going to become invisible, I am slowly, oh so slowly, starting considering coming out of my shell? And to be honest I would not even have considered it, if twice in the same week it hadn’t been bought to my attention. First through having my star chart read and then being put in a hot spot and experience how uncomfortable it felt. I hated it, every minute of it, but it shed light on a very big aspect of myself: the one where I tell myself, I really hate to be exposed. Just thinking of being on the highway rather than hiding in the bush, analysing every aspect of it, is making me feel awkward and itchy. But if I am true to myself, I will say that my favourite time on earth is that Sunday night in Glastonbury, having slowly dropped my social shell over the week-end, I put the family to bed and go into the night, shell free and dance the night away amongst strangers. This is as raw as I get, not caring one bit to be exposed, Loving it even, because I know that the next day, the curtain will fall, the city will vanish by magic, taking away my wild secret. But I must say, it feels like my wild side is leaking out lately, trying to break through. Something is happening, a big reshuffle inside. I know where it is going, I’ve seen it in my soul plan and my stars and they agree on it. It feels good to have stepped toward it, no matter how long it might take!