May be the void would have been more appropriate to describe the difference between the mum I want to be and the mum that I am. Let’s say I am a master queen when it comes to denial. And I have no ideas how other people do it, since motherhood is still very much a mystery to me. Well I can do motherhood, I belong to that hood, but I will qualify myself of below average. Am I really that selfish that I am struggling so much to put everyone else interest before mine? Or is it that I see my glass as empty so I don’t want to share. Lately I have been thinking a lot about that concept of giving. On theory I know that is what you are meant to do and I am working on it, but how come is it people that have the most that seem to give the least. is this is how you end up with so much?

Mind you I think there is a void in my life in general between who I am and who I know I should be or could be. Apparently it takes discipline, but discipline myself would be like harnessing a wild horse or Taurus in my case. The word alone gives me the creep. So how can I get I feel the void. According to Ecktar Tolle, my way to fill the void is to eat. In that better version of me, I am so happy with myself that I have no time to eat. How do I get there. Apparently it is a matter of balance. I must go back and forth to that ideal self and bring something back each time. Sometimes I feel I spend more time visiting her in my psyche that with her in my body making her happen. How can I find this balance? Should I just trust that I am going there but I have just chosen the long path or have I got the choice to take the short cut. trouble is I don’t think I am interested in short cut. Short cut is like school, learning someone else’s lesson but not really having learned anything since it wasn’t what we needed in that present moment.

I will always be tempted by the side path and they are the ones dragging me further away from good motherhood. having said that, today I was a good mum. I enjoyed it, probably not as much as I would have enjoyed being creative but still. I am pleased with myself for choosing to try.

May be I am on the right path, just slower than every one else?