So apparently I misunderstood something, the people didn’t tell me I had to sacrifice a part of myself but that I had to make sacrifice! Funny, how I completely misinterpreted it. For sure that is a completely different concept, but I wonder if the outcome isn’t the same at the end. The more sacrifice you make, the more you put other people before yourself, the more you lose piece of yourself or lose sight of who you are. Now I understand that the work of a lifetime is to understand who we really are. I had a feeling some very confident people knew exactly who they are, that is just the way they were bought up, but no, they might have just been bought up to be confident, but not to fully embrace who they are. How to distinguish someone really embracing themselves from someone projecting the end result without the contempt? Well, that is where depth comes into the picture. That depth thing has really been puzzling me lately. How some people have depth and how some have surfaces? I live in a world of surfaces and lately I have found myself loosing myself in depth, just because I find the surface shallow! I come back up from time to time, but always find a way to dive back in. Depth is dangerous, it is dark and attractive, and you can get lost in it or love it so much that you never want to come back to «your» reality. I think this time I have dived deep and I am struggling to keep my head above water, but I am trying really hard and most of all I am bringing back some bribes of the new reality and constructing a new life that fits better to the new me. And that is where it is so hard. How to change your reality without altering everyone else’s reality in the family? That is why people make sacrifice, not to rock the boat too hard for others. Fuck it, I don’t do plain sailing, I do deep diving, so I don’t care! But it’s OK, as long as I love them, they’ll be OK. And I do love them, all of them, all in a different ways, that is for sure, but I am still looking in each one of them for the best. And that is what it is to love someone right? If you hate someone you just see the bad in them, but if you love someone you just see the good. You are a mirror to who they are. If you show them the flaws, they are fucked; if you show them their beauty they’ll thrive. 

Actually thinking about it, I am at risk of bringing up shallow children because all I can see is their physical beauty, I don’t bring much depth out of them. That’s weird. Maybe if I deep dive in them I see my childhood and everything I disliked about it, I see that I am doing the same. No wonder I am not sure to like motherhood, my kids are sending me the image of the mum I had, or that I think I had would be accurate. I have to reinvent the mum I want to be, a mum who loves being a mum and who sees it in her kids’ eyes. That is a master task. How on earth am I going to do that? And the time is counted, childhood doesn’t last forever and I have already fucked quite a bit up! So can I pick up directly where I want to be or do I need to learn every step how to be a good mother? Something tells me that it’s a surface job. No more depthL That will me my incentive. No more depth until I see a beautiful mum into the eyes of each of my kids… I was tempted to cut corners by saying 2 out of 3, but that would be leaving one out and I know which one, the one that needs it most. So that’s my deal: No more going under until you’ve sorted yourself as a mother:-)

Good Luck!