Why oh why do I insist on escaping my life now and then?

I have found going from selfish bachelorette to dedicated motherhood via not-so-dedicated boss in the space of 10 years very unsettling. Only to realise after all, that I quite enjoyed my own company and my very own free time. But it’s too late to mourn a life that I wasn’t really enjoying at the time anyway. May be I am just a miserable cow, matter dealt with, blog over!

Trouble is I know I am not a miserable cow, I think I am just going through a very feminine readjustment. I am also convinced I am not the only one going through that trauma, but maybe I am the only one so obsessed with revisiting her past to bring bribes back from carefree time.

Up until now I would say I kind of sensed something wasn’t as it could be, and I did search for it, for what I called my quintessential life; but I mostly reassured myself by assuming everyone else was wrong and I was just fine! That was until I did one of my ultimate “free-like-the-wind” week-end in Amsterdam. I chose Amsterdam because I like smoking. 

Problem number 1: I like smoking in a world where it is “oh so wrong” to smoke, it is for unassuming teenagers with mental issues. Trouble is, when I was an unassuming teenager with mental issue, it saved my skin. It made me rewire myself in a way that made me the happiest I had ever been. Well, it was a time when I had nothing else to do with my life than being happy, so it was cheating a bit. Now it might not be so appropriate with 3 kids and a business to self-medicate to get back to this place. But I am obsessed with this place and I am determined to get back there, even if it takes a little help from my guilty pleasure.

I have never given up on that place and up until now, the closer I got to it with my family is when I pack everyone away to Glastonbury. This is as real as it gets, once a year, for 6 days, the magic happens, it takes hard work and a bit of weed to harmonize with the place but I get there, we get there, as a family, eventually. It doesn’t make sense to anyone why would I go through so much trouble to get muddy. And even I sometimes wonder why I do it, but now I know, it is not just to stay young at heart, it is to express on the outside how I feel on the inside. It is a playground for my true self, my Holy Grail!

Now I have noticed that if I go away alone or if I smoke a bit I can get there, that’s why I chose Amsterdam as my destination of self rediscovery. The amazing thing is that it is probably the only place I can think off where I don’t feel like a smoke. I still have to work that one out!

So I am in Amsterdam, to escape responsibility and to let the magic happen. The excuse is, a workshop with a guy my man did a workshop with, and came back from in a very good place. My aim is to do the workshop and get lost… or find myself, depend what angle you look at it, and dance… in no particular order!

Thing is, that guy that did the workshop, he completely blew my mind away and now I am finding it very hard to readjust. I always knew it would be hard to land back, it always is, but this time, he really bought a lots of things home. He put words on my though, he made them real. And since I came home, I am struggling to shrink back. For the first time I don’t want to shrink back, I am done adjusting myself just because I am a mother and that’s what mothers do! And I can’t stop being a mother, so it is just like I have added one more “unknown” to my equation. I have been talking about it to whoever is ready to listen, but let’s be honest, nobody wants to listen, everybody is too busy trying to be a mother, focusing on being the best possible mother to care for my selfish ways… 

That’s why I chose to blog as a thinking pad, to get out all the things that are puzzling me! Because I might be the only one out there finding it so hard to put my life on the back burner so my kids can have a good childhood!

One thing we were told over the week-end is to do what we like to do after breakfast, to make it our life. All I took back home was the little joke he kept repeating: “don’t have children, whatever you do, don’t have kids!” HAHAHA. Not so funny after all when you come home and the 100% of yourself you’ve been working on all week-end is trying to shrink back in the 20% life you’ve created for yourself before going, when you were just quite happy to be 20%, when in fact you didn’t even know you had room to expend 5 time over!

So how do I make my life expend to meet the expectations of the 100% me I love so much. This is why I chose to blog to find a way to make it happen, because this is where my quintessential life lay. This is my treasure hunt and already this week-end gave me some a tool: Writing. I have not written for a long time, too busy being God knows what, but doing the writing exercises really gave me great pleasure and then I heard “Blog” 2 times since. That’s one of my rule, if you hear something twice in the space of a week it needs to be looked into. Maybe it has been mentioned to me thousands of time before, but now is the time, now is when I paid attention.

I had done the same thing with a book before I left for Amsterdam, twice I heard about it so I bought it, and it made me want to write. It also talks about the same thing that guy talked about, it just talks about it in a different way: The multiple personalities…